Sex God
by uselessbroodygay
Summary: 'what about a 'hey i'm sorry to bother you but i'm trying to convince my friends i'm a sex god so can you please write a fake number on this napkin for me real quick' au'
1. Chapter 1

"Admit it, Carmilla. You're not as much of a sex god as you make yourself out to be."

Carmilla scoffed, lifting her head and looking towards LaFontaine with a raised eyebrow. "Are you kidding me? I could get any girl in this club, right here, right now." And it was true. Probably.

LaFontaine laughed, leaning back against the seat, their hand resting on Perry's thigh. "You've been single for three years and you expect me to believe that?"

"LaF's right, you know." Danny piped up which only managed to get her a glare from the broody gay. "I haven't seen you with a girl in months and the last girlfriend you had, well… that didn't work out too hot, did it?"

Okay, it didn't. Her last proper girlfriend was a girl called Ell. She was the same age, interested in all the same stuff, and for reasons beyond Carmilla's understanding, ended up cheating on her. After that, she'd kind of given up on relationships, choosing to sleep around instead with any girl that was willing, really.

"Tell you what, Carm. If you can pick up a girl, right here, tonight, we'll stop pestering you. You don't have to take her back to your apartment, nothing like that. Just get her phone number and we're done." LaFontaine proposed, turning their head once Perry spoke up.

"Behave, LaFontaine. This is ridiculous. Carmilla has every right to just sit at home alone, she doesn't need to convince some girl to sleep with her."

The dark haired girl shook her head at that. "Oh, no. I don't 'convince', I don't have to. You know what, LaF? You're on." She stood up and downed the rest of her drink, standing beside the table and looking at the ginger expectantly.

"There's a girl at the bar – long brown hair, side part, blue button up shirt."

That was all Carmilla needed before she strode to the bar. She wasn't going to sleep with the girl, she had absolutely no intention of doing so. She did sleep around, but she wasn't about to do so just for her own honour. Her phone number would suffice. Hell, it didn't even have to be a real one, just something to convince LaFontaine that she was still the sexy seductress she bragged about being.

Carmilla leaned against the bar, right next to where the girl was sat even though she was facing away and talking to some guy that basically looked like the human incarnation of a puppy. In order to make it look at least a little bit more realistic, Carmilla turned slightly and placed her hand on the girl's waist, leaning in close to her ear. "Hey, sweetheart. I'm sorry about this but I have to ask you something."

She was expecting a slap in the face, honestly. What she was not expecting was to come face to face with a ridiculously attractive woman. Innocent-looking, but nonetheless very very attractive. _Oh, wow, okay._

"Excuse me?"

_Shit, did she say that out loud?_ Carmilla shook her head once and raised her eyes to meet the other girl's, who at the moment was looking at her with an expression mostly laced with confusion. "Right… Sorry. So, the thing is, my friends don't believe I can pick up girls like I used to and I was kinda wondering if you'd give me a phone number. Totally doesn't have to be real, don't worry."

She looked Carmilla over once and then glanced over her shoulder, probably to the table of redheads that were staring over at them like birds of prey. Carmilla watched her turn and send the guy an apologetic smile, to which he nodded, before she hopped off of the bar stool and grabbed Carmilla's hand, dragging her in the direction of the restrooms.

"Woah, okay. You don't seem like a girl that moves this fast, cupcake." Carmilla remarked, quickening her pace to keep up so she didn't trip over her own feet.

Once they were through the door the girl turned and shrugged a shoulder, grinning bashfully. "I thought I'd give them something to think about, you know? Got anything for me to write that number on?"

Carmilla smirked and produced a napkin from her back pocket. It wasn't as if she'd leave the table unprepared. The girl took it from her and placed it down on the sink counter, looking around for a few seconds before rooting in her bag and pulling out an eyeliner pencil. She watched her write a number followed by her name, which she discovered was Laura, signing it off with a kiss.

Laura turned and held the napkin out towards her, stepping towards Carmilla once she took it from her. "If this is going to work, we have to make it look believable." With that, she unbuttoned the first few buttons of Carmilla's red flannel and proceeded to run her hand through her own hair, messing it up. Her fingers moved to smudge her lipstick and she looked down at her hand before looking back at Carmilla, moving her hand to smudge some of her own lipstick around the edges of the dark haired girl's lips. "Perfect. Though you're gonna have to mess your own hair up before we go out there because that is just_ too_ perfect."

Carmilla let out a huff of laughter, running her hand through her hair to muss it up. "Good?" She asked.

Laura yanked the napkin back after unfastening the first few of the buttons on her own shirt. "Good." She replied and nodded, grabbing her hand once again and dragging her in the opposite direction this time, out into the main part of the club. She figured that the gingers would have a pretty good view and she made a show of stopping right outside of the restroom door and pulling Carmilla closer, planting a lingering kiss on her cheek whilst stuffing the napkin into the back pocket of her black jeans. She pulled away and started towards the puppy dog, but not before whispering "It's real."

That left Carmilla grinning to herself as she walked back over to the ginger squad. She pulled the napkin out and waved it in front of LaFontaine's incredulous face before taking a seat and crossing her arms, a smug look taking up residence on her face.

"So what was that about me not being a sex god?"

* * *

AN: an au i saw yesterday and wanted to play around with. i'm really into the whole au of carmilla being friends with the ginger squad as well as laura, and for this it just worked out better to use carmilla. also lafontaine/carmilla are my brotp so that had to be included.


	2. Chapter 2

Despite seeing Carmilla leave the restrooms with the girl, obviously dishevelled, LaFontaine was still doubtful about the number she gave her.

"What, you want me to call her?" Carmilla asked, reclining back into the sofa and resting her boot-clad feet on the coffee table in front of her.

LaFontaine and Danny, as always, thought an impromptu visit to Carmilla's apartment every day was necessary because she lived alone and 'needs friends', even though they knew she was quite happy by herself. Perry took the time in which LaFontaine was gone to clean up their own apartment, something that was never accomplished when the bio-major was home. It was a miracle they hadn't burned the whole building down yet.

"Yeah, I do. Unless… the number she gave you was fake?" LaF smirked, to which Carmilla shook her head.

"100% real."

"Then invite her round."

"Invite her round?! We had a five minute quickie in a toilet stall and you want me to invite her round?"

"Well, yeah. She gave you her number so obviously she wants to see you again and what better time than now?" The ginger asked, taking the bottle of beer offered to them by Danny when she came back into the living room. Danny gave Carmilla a bottle before sitting herself in the chair next to the coffee table.

"They're right." She shrugged.

"If you're not going to agree with me you can shut your mouth, beanstalk."

Danny held her hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying. I mean, what could go wrong?"

Carmilla took a sip of her beer, raising an eyebrow. _She could find out that I'm friends with a bunch of dimwits. _"You're acting like I actually want to be in a relationship with her."

Both gingers scoffed and LaFontaine was the one to speak up. "You _need _a relationship, even if it's only to get over_ that_ spawn of Satan. Besides, she seems nice."

Yes, she did seem nice, and Carmilla could admit it to herself when she found someone attractive, and it wasn't as if she was in denial. It was just… was she emotionally ready for another relationship?

"Come on, you useless lesbian."

"Fine, fine!" Carmilla stood and put her beer down on the table, pulling her phone out of her back pocket and walking to the kitchen. She'd saved Laura's number as soon as she got home, mainly because she knew something like this would happen. She tapped on Laura's name and pressed call. Three rings.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey, sweetheart." Carmilla pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the counter, running her hand through her hair. It was then that she realized that Laura didn't even know her name. "It's Carmilla. From the bar."

_"Oh, hey! I wasn't expecting you to call."_

"No offense, but I wasn't planning on calling. Not for a little while, at least, but two thirds of the ginger squad want me to invite you round."

_"Uh, I... Sure."_

"Really?" She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "I mean, great!" Carmilla gave Laura her address and then walked back to the living room, throwing her hands out. "It's done, you happy now?"

They both nodded and grinned at the same time, even going as far to say 'yeah' at the same time.

"Okay now that's weird."

* * *

It only took around ten minutes for the doorbell to ring after the call. Danny completely forgot about Laura and stood up to get it, only to be stopped by a murderous look from Carmilla.

"Sit the fuck down. She is not being greeted by the ridiculously good looking jolly green giant which every girl has a crush on." Carmilla pushed herself up off the couch and made her way to the door, Danny shouting an offended 'hey!' behind her. She hesitated for a second before pulling it open.

Laura stood there with a small grin on her face, dressed in a black and white v-neck and a pair of dark jeans. "Hey!"

The dark haired girl grinned back, opening the door further to let her in. "Hey."

"So, your friends," Laura started, standing to the side as Carmilla shut the door. "Are they still under the impression that we... you know."

Carmilla laughed and nodded, sliding her hand to the small of Laura's back. "Yeah, so make it believable." She walked them into the living room and sat Laura down where she herself was sat prior to the other girls arrival.

"This," She pointed to Danny, "Is Gigantor. Prefers to go by the name Danny. And this," She moved to LaF, "Is LaFontaine."

Both gingers waved and Carmilla strolled to the kitchen, bringing back a bottle for Laura. She gave it to her and picked her own up and took her place on the arm of the couch next to Laura, leaning back and resting her arm across the back of it, behind the girl's head.

"So, Laura," LaF smiled, resting their elbows on their knees. "What do you do?"

"I'm a journalist and a part-time photographer." Laura said. She moved her right hand to rest it on Carmilla's thigh. Carmilla honestly wasn't surprised by it, she'd seen how bold Laura could be once before.

"I can see that." Danny nodded.

* * *

Laura stayed there for the next couple of hours, going through at least four bottles and getting more touchy-feely as the evening went on. She wasn't drunk, definitely not, just a little tipsy.

LaFontaine had moved to the floor, their back against the couch. Danny stayed on the chair but was lay across it with her legs over the arm. Laura was sprawled along the sofa, her head on Carmilla's thigh and her feet behind LaF's head.

Maybe the gingers were taking advantage of their tipsy state by taking the opportunity to embarrass Carmilla. Maybe.

"High school, chem class, that time you tripped over your own feet and almost set fire to the classroom when you tried to seduce Elsie."

"I swear to God, Clifford." Carmilla scowled and took a drink. She didn't miss the curious look on Laura's face, despite trying to avoid eye contact.

"Oh, we haven't even got to the sex stories yet. Now, whilst Carmilla likes to think she's a sex god, she tends to spill her secrets after a round of shots." LaF tilted their head back, resting it on the couch and then turning to grin over at the annoyed girl. "She likes to spill her failed sex stories."

"I'll murder you both."

Danny swung her legs over so she was sat properly, leaning forward with a huge shit-eating grin on her face. "So this happened, and I quote, 'I told her I thought she was pretty when she was going down on me and then she started singing Teenage Dream before she passed out.'"

Carmilla ran her hand down her face and threw her head back. "Oh my God."

Laura couldn't even think of any responses, though at this point she was probably on the verge of wetting herself from laughter.

"Never forget the time she took a girl out on the field and her 'lover' ended up having a screaming contest with a coyote."

Once Laura had calmed down she stared at Carmilla, a smirk on her face and one eyebrow raised. "Oh, yeah? You're that good, huh?"

"Well," She grinned, making a show of shrugging it off like it was nothing. "What can I say? I'm a woman of many talents."

"Mm, I bet you are."

Danny and LaFontaine shared a glance before they both stood up at the same time, Danny choosing to speak. "Well, I think it's about time we left."

"Oh, no..." Carmilla mumbled quietly, sarcastically, throwing her arm across the back of the couch. "Come back."

"I wish, but... Well," Danny looked at Laura and then switched back to Carmilla. "Wouldn't want to ruin your fun."

The two gingers started towards the door, Danny ruffling the grouchy girl's hair ("Get out of here, gingersnap.") before leaving.

"How did I do?" Laura asked as she stood up from her place on the couch, stretching.

"I must say you played your role magnificently. And I also must say that you're not leaving here anytime soon. Not until morning."

"So how come Danny and LaFontaine get to go?" She crossed her arms, a playful pout on her face.

"Sweetheart, Danny is six foot two and could probably crush a skull with her bare hands and you're probably a little over five foot and, no offense, would probably get mugged by a nine year old." Carmilla looked at her properly then, a smirk spreading across her face as she wiggled her eyebrows. "Besides, what's wrong with staying here with little old me, huh? What's the worst that could happen?"

"Let's see, shall we?"


End file.
